12/22

10 approaches.

Another day of failure. By approach 8, I just wanted to do two more for namesake and head home. Don’t even want to write about how deplorable I have gotten at this. I have gone backwards. I can’t be too aggressive. I can’t be too chill. It is obvious to the girl that I am putting on a mask. Nothing is working. I don’t want to be frustrated, but it is hard not to be.

Now, I am going into damage control mode. If I am going to be failing at this, I at least want to do it in a way where I can still enjoy the rest of my day / hobbies. Right now game fucks with me too much. My emotional investment is beyond the approach window. I need to deal with my emotions better, so the pain from being in the field doesn’t seep through to the rest of my day. My negativity and anger need to be balanced out with happiness from other things, so each day is absolutely fresh. But this isn’t happening; negativity is carrying over and no fap is probably a big reason why. Before, I could just masturbate, feel better, and start fresh. But I wasn’t building any willpower doing that.

Now, the only solution I can think of is to run hard for 25 mins to blow out steam… every day. This has worked on a given day, but haven’t been desperate enough to do it daily. I am not sure I can sustain it because this will be in addition to lifting three days a week. But maybe the extra adrenaline from no fap will make it possible. I think it is the only way (other than dopamine shots) I can focus and enjoy anything else after game. Otherwise I can’t focus on work, on a book, on anything without getting sidetracked by how shit I am at game and how badly I need to fuck, and that creates a downward spiral. Thank god for fitness; it’s the best drug.

Basically, if I can reach the point where, regardless of my horniness, game just takes up 1.5 to 2 hrs of my day emotionally, I will be in a sustainable spot. I will have the rest of my day to live out other hobbies to bring back positivity. I will be able to keep approaching everyday with a blank slate and zero emotional carry-over. And, as a bonus, I probably won’t care about the outcome as much because I won’t need women as much. I will find it easier to accept that the process needs to take its course and reward me on its own schedule. Any success in game will truly become icing on the cake.

Ok, enough. Fuck this shit. Time to run.